This is so insane,
This blood running through my veins,
Crimson coloured streams,
Shouting out my pain.
As I let it out,
To leave me half-dead,
Its sanguin colour never shouts - 'pain' ,
Whispers - 'relief' - instead.
My eyes are devoid of sense now,
Yet I see your image through the haze,
A fleeting glimpse of wretched beauty,
You've left - your absence still stays.
I sense your echoing voice,
Whispering, what I want to hear,
As the clock of death, strikes the end of time,
And the edge of the cliff draws near.
Suddenly the agony seems lesser,
My restless being begins to wilt,
The soul begs to be free,
Chained by sorrow, Choked by guilt.
I feel those dewy lips,
Our last trembling kiss,
Those raging waves of passion,
That lasting touch of bliss.
The first time I held you,
Gripping you violently in my arms,
I lost my pride in the darkness of your eyes,
Taken prisoner to your ethereal charm.
I end here, I perish now,
I still cling on to you, as I die,
Each drop of my blood cries out my love,
Can you hear this Bleeding Cry?
This blood running through my veins,
Crimson coloured streams,
Shouting out my pain.
As I let it out,
To leave me half-dead,
Its sanguin colour never shouts - 'pain' ,
Whispers - 'relief' - instead.
My eyes are devoid of sense now,
Yet I see your image through the haze,
A fleeting glimpse of wretched beauty,
You've left - your absence still stays.
I sense your echoing voice,
Whispering, what I want to hear,
As the clock of death, strikes the end of time,
And the edge of the cliff draws near.
Suddenly the agony seems lesser,
My restless being begins to wilt,
The soul begs to be free,
Chained by sorrow, Choked by guilt.
I feel those dewy lips,
Our last trembling kiss,
Those raging waves of passion,
That lasting touch of bliss.
The first time I held you,
Gripping you violently in my arms,
I lost my pride in the darkness of your eyes,
Taken prisoner to your ethereal charm.
I end here, I perish now,
I still cling on to you, as I die,
Each drop of my blood cries out my love,
Can you hear this Bleeding Cry?
7 comments:
u didnt make me read this one
love the line
"cries relief instead"
there are places where u use the wrong words
void of sense = incorrect
void is like vaccum
u mean devoid
ya fir it shld have been senseless voids
then
this blood seems i dunno ajeeb
maybe it can be frased like this
this is so insane
the blood tht runs thru my veins
these/those crimson coloured strems
seem to shout out my pain
then there is this term- letting out of blood [read in macbeth na??]
so it seems weird to use
drain and let it both together
i dont knw exactly how but yeah it needs refrasing
maybe this way-
as i am letting it out
it leaves me half dead
its sanguin colour- doesnt boast of pain
whispering "relief instead"
dnt use shout as uv used in the previous para
the
thru eyes- vacant & devoid of sense
i still manage to find u thru the haze
i have a problem with the frase -wretched
i knw wat ur trying to say sumhow this is not the best way to put it
then add "tho" before uv left wali line
SENSING SUMONES VOICE WHICH U CLAIM THT IS ECHOING IN UR HEAD IS WRONG .................
u use suddenly with agony seems lesser
wont it b better if u wrote
suddenly the agony lessens ???
my restless being = gr8 energy then u say it wilts
u kinda imagine sumthing gr8 breaking down and oozing out its energy rite??it needs refrasing
i like the lasting bliss wala para a lot
u acheive a lot thru tht
althu dewy lips wlai line weird hain
chaned wala line is pretty good
i have a problem with the last para
infact i hate it
as i end , am perishing now /
still clinging onto u ,as i die /
each drop of blood , each breath i cry your name
do you get my message at all??
i needed u as i lived
i want u even more now
with my last burst of breath i call out to you
someone tell me - u hrd it ..somehow........
you are right on the letting blood part ... i could have kept it let out only ...
i could have also used any other word except shouts with pain in the seconds para ....
"A fleeting glimpse of wretched beauty,
You've left - your absence still stays." ... I like this the way it is ...
the voice has been echoing, in the head ... this is the first time the voice is being 'sensed'
ya ... some other people also told me I gave a lot away in the last para , could have been more suggestive ...
anyways ... this poem .... i dont think it is true .... it has things i have never known ... so not my personal fav. although kuchh lines maine achhi likhi hain ....
THE VOICE KO SENSE KARNA GALTA HAIN
U CANNOT JUSTIFY IT
MAYB THE PRESENCE OF THE VOICE CLD BE SENSD
I DUNNO
IT IS DEFINITELY WEIRD
Emo you!
But, nice work.
And oh, by the way, Photogenic Devil is a sore loser,a wannabe-trying hard to show her genius to all. Sadly your blog isn't too popular so as to bring her glory!
bwaaahahahahahahahahahaha!
Anyway, I like your work..too Emo to handle though.
Emo you!
But, nice work.
And oh, by the way, Photogenic Devil is a sore loser,a wannabe-trying hard to show her genius to all. Sadly your blog isn't too popular so as to bring her glory!
bwaaahahahahahahahahahaha!
Anyway, I like your work..too Emo to handle though.
:O
i luv it.........
dude this stuff is amazing
@ sanz .... so you like the emo poems more~! :P
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