An honest thought...

I entered a new school when I was 11-12 years old. The school which my brother was from. Being quite interested in Science ( and I was interested in a lot of other things as well...) as I grew over a couple of years, I suppose everyone came to know I fared decently well in academics. So people around me, who liked me, used to say, " You have talent, you should use it to the fullest", or "Man! Your a Genius, you're better than others...". And it was at times like these I was always caught off-guard. I didn't quite know what to say. I had never thought of it that way... I always used to say, "I'm no Genius", or " ..eerr.. I don't know .. maybe..." . I never gave " What am I? " that much of a thought perhaps... just liked what I was doing  in life at that time ... Nonetheless I didn't really care what people said. But I did come to know that they liked me or appreciated me, so it felt good.

A year or two on... Things were normal till class 11th. I had a real slump in Academics(and it continues to date).  Perhaps I just didn't give it as much attention as needed. Or perhaps the level of academics had just gone higher. I also realize sometimes I didn't/couldn't do things I really wanted to do, or the way I wanted to do them. Those were mistakes. I was unhappy also sometimes with things around me, because my conscience always told me where and when I was not being 'me'. And now there were people saying, " You've wasted yourself" or " Tumhaara IIT mein naheen hoga" or just having digs at me to assert the fact that I was inferior to them somehow. And I had the same feeling as before. I was most definitely caught off-guard this time as well, saying " theek hai bhai .. you're better" ... or " I think I can do better perhaps like you say ... "  or just not speaking anything. The only difference here was I knew they were not appreciative. Still, I generally am unaffected by anybody's opinion of me... except some people. These people, who you've decided are most important to you, and it is a fact that what they think of you, affects you. And the number of such people had increased by a few as I approached end of School.

I don't like such people a lot, who try to assert there inferiority or superiority on you. It might be true that such objective comparisons make me really ill at ease - This "competitive spirit" perhaps, or these exams or anything that puts a tag on you - 'pass' or 'fail', 'right' or 'wrong' , 'good or bad', 'deserving' or 'undeserving' - To the extent that they scare me, when I'm low on confidence, specially when it comes from people whose opinion might affect you...

I believe everyone of us, at least me, knows deep inside what is his/her way of doing a certain thing, what is his/her right or wrong, what he/she is... You just know when you are being you... and when you are not ... 

I just want to be me... and I will, like I have most of the times, be honest to myself, my thoughts and my emotions .... 

"We were meant to live for so much more

Have we lost ourselves? 
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside...."