Reflections...

It is one of those nights in Lawrence today. One of those nights when you can smell the rain that has passed, on the lively grass. The wind blows playfully, and it is chilly enough to give you goose bumps but not enough to make you shiver. The night sky is cloudy, but somehow the moon manages to peep out in all of its half shadowed glory spreading its cool ivory glow across the streets glistening with welcomed wetness.

It is beautiful - that kind of beautiful which does not make you feel dandy, but just reflective enough to experience a calm sense of happiness - Dreamy, I would describe it as, And I love that feeling. So instead of studying for my Public Speaking and Communications midterm tomorrow, I am going to sneak around the silent, sleepy streets of nostalgia and try to peek into the haze of the future, while floating on an unsure present.

This past year has been eventful. There have been a lot of tough times but even more beautiful memories I have made. It was about a year ago when during these late weeks of the infamous romantic month of February that I began to fall in love. In love with a woman so kind and gentle, the rain drops tonight remind me of her. She was the kind of girl I imagined resting my head in her lap while she runs her fingers through my hair. And she did run her fingers through my hair :) When I held her I felt free from any thoughts of fear or uncertainty, I felt needed - and no matter how pathetic that might sound, it is a good feeling. In even the most grimmest of moments, seeing her face and listening to her voice was a joy. As a matter of fact, it still is. She made me so happy and gave me so much to look forward to everyday. And I loved her. Loved her so much. There were several mistakes that I made, times that I couldn't treat her how she deserved to be treated. But despite my flaws, I know she loved me. She loved me more than perhaps some times my stupid male mind could comprehend. For a while I thought we were meant to be with each other till the time both if us had grey hair, arched backs and had walking sticks in our hands. But of course, fate an its vile ways. Life seems so unfair some times. It was unfair what happened to us. It was so much more unfair for her, than for me though. But she is strong and will move on to have a wonderful life. And with some help from my family and friends (shout-outs to Tanner, Chris, Luke, Mel, Katie, Arooj, Zac and Nick), so will I. I respect her and I care about her so much. It will be nice to still be a part of her life.

Most of the wonderful memories from the past year were with her and my friends. The lovely walks we had, the dinners, the movies (she made me watch Toy Story!! so grateful :)), lying next to her watching the moonlight reflect of her skin, her daily unusual quirks and expressions ... ahhh sheer happiness :). The winter in India was nice, meeting my friends from back home, catching up, expressing our love and lust for each other - you know, the usual. Their were some unpleasant times too, like the times I thought I will be kicked out of school - yeah, that happened more than once. I really did not want to leave Lawrence - I love it here. Then the constant stress of trying to find a footing and trying to make a career for myself. I don't usually get stressed, but the older I'm getting the more responsibility I feel (sounds weird that I am saying this) towards my family and myself. The pain of losing a precious relationship of course. But whatever happens, happens.

I am a very interesting place in my life right now. There are changes happening that will make me totally re-evaluate how I live my life after this. Things likely will not turn out as I thought they would any more so I will have to take some time and see where life takes me. Right now I feel a sense of stagnance. Not much is going on - a lot of 'wait and watch'. And it is going to be this way for a few months. I kind of like this stagnance - gives you time to take a step back and save and harvest your energies for the challenges to come. I have some time to deal with my emotions and my ambitions and I like that.

I just hope God blesses me with will and strength to continue to live a good life and keep my heart loving and considerate for those whom I care about and sometimes, maybe those I don't. I like making people happy. And I will keep trying to do that as much as possible. I always want to be there for the people who need me, when they need me. And I want to make people I care about, proud (especially my parents).

Ahhh ... that felt good - the nice, mellow kind of good. Soon the sun will rise and this beautiful, dreamy weather will give way to who knows what (seriously, this is Kansas - anything can happen), but tonight will be concluded well by putting my mind at peace and surrendering myself to sweet slumber. Tomorrow is beckoning, and it seems like no piece of cake . ZZZzzzzzzz ....